So here's the harder part - and if you would rather have this conversation in person we can, and if you want me to pretend it never happened afterward I will - do you love him? If you're not there yet, it's okay. It is early, and I know he won't mind if you need more time, or even if you just need more time to say it.
You feel guilty about your reaction, but we need to figure out how you feel about the fact he told you he loves you before we can figure out next steps.
It's valid to think it's too soon. That's fair, it's new, and you are getting your sea legs back.
But - [she pauses for a second, tries to think of a good joke to make this next bit a little easier to hear, to lighten it a little, but she can't really come up with much.] I don't think he would say that if he didn't mean it, and I don't find it hard to believe anyways. You're actually very easily lovable, Bucky. No hetero.
He's so young. Maybe he just doesn't know any better.
[But that feels terrible to say as well. Joaquin isn't an idiot. Not even close, and Bucky would never think that about him but- experience wise? Maybe other people just haven't treated him nicely.]
Am I, though? I can't even handle this. Wait... no hetero? What does that mean?
I think he knows more about it than either of us, to be honest.
[Yeah, she should've expected that wouldn't land quite right.] It was meant to be a silly way to say platonically, and yes you are, because in a roundabout way I was saying that I love you. Not to make you deal with that twice in one day, I don't expect anything, and I won't be offended by a response of thank you or fuck you or whatever. You are handling this, that's what this is.
[Love is such a... complicated, wild thing. Bucky used to embrace it so freely before. Before. Now it feels like a whole different monster of a thing.]
...Oh.
Uh... shit.
What's with you people?
[Exasperated! But he means it the fondest way possible.]
No, I am sorry for making you deal with that even if it is different twice in a day, but I can't let that claim stand when I have direct evidence against it.
So I think he means it and I think he knows himself well enough that it is not just because he's young, even if it is quick.
[ He has to laugh, dragging his hands down his face. See? It's all he can say. ]
I appreciate that. And I... I do care. I care about you a lot. I care about him too, but- the last two people I said it to- they left me in the lurch, so maybe I just don't think saying it so quick is the answer.
I want it. I do. But he's already talking about our future together and I'm just.
[Laughter is good. Laughter is probably very good, even, in this moment.]
I know you care about both of us a lot. So does he. It's okay if it's not the right time for you to say it, even if it was for him. He's with you because you're you, so if you need to take time for things, it's not going to be a problem.
And if it is, I will kick his ass. But I really do think he is a patient man, so I think you can just tell him that you need things to go a bit slower. More time to adjust. And if you would like me sitting on the sidewalk out front for as needed moral support, or on the phone on mute and silent, while you do it, I will be there. And if you would like me to check on him separately, I can do that too.
It's okay. You don't need to rush yourself on this.
He said right off the bat that I didn't have to say it back, but I still felt guilty. I still feel like he deserves so much more than that.
[He smiles a little at Yelena, grateful that he can talk to her like this. And that she's got his back. But there's the other thing in the back of his head, always.]
What if being with me ruins his life?
[There. He said it. It's what he's been thinking. It's something he's been thinking about for a while now, ever since he spoke to John about love and his ex wife.]
I think waiting until you are entirely comfortable and entirely certain IS giving him so much more than that. He would not want someone else rushing or pressuring the man he loves into something, he would not want you doing it either.
[Yeah. That doesn't surprise her, but it does make her more solemn, and her next response comes more slowly and more carefully considered.] I have thought the same thing myself before, and let it put distance between me and people. But ultimately, I think...
Do you think he is a good judge of character, intelligent, reasonable, capable of making his own informed decisions about what he does and doesn't want and can and cannot handle?
...That's. Actually a really good way to look at it. He knows I care. He knows I think he's the most important person- he said that's why he said it, because of how I felt. So- I guess you're right.
[He listens, thinking it over. He doesn't want to put distance between himself and people anymore. He used to do that for a long time as well. ]
He's all of those things, yeah. Of course. Probably even a hell of lot more than I am.
Love might make people a bit more foolish, but I don't believe it actually makes them stupid.
So, then, I think the risk that you or I have to take is trusting people when they decide they want to take the risk on us, even if we don't agree. Of course putting it in simpler terms does not actually make it easier, but... it's his choice. He has weighed up all he knows about you, and he has decided it is worth the risk. You, or I in your shoes, do not have to agree, or love him back yet, or even stay forever if it turns out not to serve either of you. You just have to trust him to make the decision.
I dunno about that. Made me pretty stupid every once in a while.
[He huffs a soft laugh. But that's not here or now. Here and now- he has something he actually wants.]
Trust him to make that decision... okay. That's... an incredibly helpful way to look at it. I want it to be his choice. And it is- even if I don't fully agree with it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Well. How did he seem after the thank you?
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So here's the harder part - and if you would rather have this conversation in person we can, and if you want me to pretend it never happened afterward I will - do you love him?
If you're not there yet, it's okay. It is early, and I know he won't mind if you need more time, or even if you just need more time to say it.
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Yeah, okay. Let me come over. You know I'm always better at in person stuff- even if it's easier to just type into my phone.
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Tone is extra important on something like this, too. In person is better. I'm in my room.
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[And he is, a few minutes later, carrying Alpine with him.]
I hope you don't mind I brought her along.
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Actually, she thinks it was a really good idea. An emotional comfort animal is going to be useful in this conversation.
So - how do you feel about what he said?
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I feel- guilty.
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You feel guilty about your reaction, but we need to figure out how you feel about the fact he told you he loves you before we can figure out next steps.
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[He takes a deep breath, then nods.]
Yeah, you're right. You're absolutely right. I just- feel like... it's too soon. Does he really already feel that way? About me?
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But - [she pauses for a second, tries to think of a good joke to make this next bit a little easier to hear, to lighten it a little, but she can't really come up with much.] I don't think he would say that if he didn't mean it, and I don't find it hard to believe anyways. You're actually very easily lovable, Bucky. No hetero.
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[But that feels terrible to say as well. Joaquin isn't an idiot. Not even close, and Bucky would never think that about him but- experience wise? Maybe other people just haven't treated him nicely.]
Am I, though? I can't even handle this. Wait... no hetero? What does that mean?
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[Yeah, she should've expected that wouldn't land quite right.] It was meant to be a silly way to say platonically, and yes you are, because in a roundabout way I was saying that I love you. Not to make you deal with that twice in one day, I don't expect anything, and I won't be offended by a response of thank you or fuck you or whatever. You are handling this, that's what this is.
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[Love is such a... complicated, wild thing. Bucky used to embrace it so freely before. Before. Now it feels like a whole different monster of a thing.]
...Oh.
Uh... shit.
What's with you people?
[Exasperated! But he means it the fondest way possible.]
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No, I am sorry for making you deal with that even if it is different twice in a day, but I can't let that claim stand when I have direct evidence against it.
So I think he means it and I think he knows himself well enough that it is not just because he's young, even if it is quick.
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[ He has to laugh, dragging his hands down his face. See? It's all he can say. ]
I appreciate that. And I... I do care. I care about you a lot. I care about him too, but- the last two people I said it to- they left me in the lurch, so maybe I just don't think saying it so quick is the answer.
I want it. I do. But he's already talking about our future together and I'm just.
[He blows out a breath, shaking his head.]
I'm still stuck in my head.
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I know you care about both of us a lot. So does he. It's okay if it's not the right time for you to say it, even if it was for him. He's with you because you're you, so if you need to take time for things, it's not going to be a problem.
And if it is, I will kick his ass. But I really do think he is a patient man, so I think you can just tell him that you need things to go a bit slower. More time to adjust. And if you would like me sitting on the sidewalk out front for as needed moral support, or on the phone on mute and silent, while you do it, I will be there. And if you would like me to check on him separately, I can do that too.
It's okay. You don't need to rush yourself on this.
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[He smiles a little at Yelena, grateful that he can talk to her like this. And that she's got his back. But there's the other thing in the back of his head, always.]
What if being with me ruins his life?
[There. He said it. It's what he's been thinking. It's something he's been thinking about for a while now, ever since he spoke to John about love and his ex wife.]
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[Yeah. That doesn't surprise her, but it does make her more solemn, and her next response comes more slowly and more carefully considered.] I have thought the same thing myself before, and let it put distance between me and people. But ultimately, I think...
Do you think he is a good judge of character, intelligent, reasonable, capable of making his own informed decisions about what he does and doesn't want and can and cannot handle?
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[He listens, thinking it over. He doesn't want to put distance between himself and people anymore. He used to do that for a long time as well. ]
He's all of those things, yeah. Of course. Probably even a hell of lot more than I am.
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And you trust him?
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I do trust him.
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So, then, I think the risk that you or I have to take is trusting people when they decide they want to take the risk on us, even if we don't agree. Of course putting it in simpler terms does not actually make it easier, but... it's his choice. He has weighed up all he knows about you, and he has decided it is worth the risk. You, or I in your shoes, do not have to agree, or love him back yet, or even stay forever if it turns out not to serve either of you. You just have to trust him to make the decision.
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[He huffs a soft laugh. But that's not here or now. Here and now- he has something he actually wants.]
Trust him to make that decision... okay. That's... an incredibly helpful way to look at it. I want it to be his choice. And it is- even if I don't fully agree with it.
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It's the only way I can convince myself I should not go live in a cave for the rest of my life, on the bad days.
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