[Laughter is good. Laughter is probably very good, even, in this moment.]
I know you care about both of us a lot. So does he. It's okay if it's not the right time for you to say it, even if it was for him. He's with you because you're you, so if you need to take time for things, it's not going to be a problem.
And if it is, I will kick his ass. But I really do think he is a patient man, so I think you can just tell him that you need things to go a bit slower. More time to adjust. And if you would like me sitting on the sidewalk out front for as needed moral support, or on the phone on mute and silent, while you do it, I will be there. And if you would like me to check on him separately, I can do that too.
It's okay. You don't need to rush yourself on this.
He said right off the bat that I didn't have to say it back, but I still felt guilty. I still feel like he deserves so much more than that.
[He smiles a little at Yelena, grateful that he can talk to her like this. And that she's got his back. But there's the other thing in the back of his head, always.]
What if being with me ruins his life?
[There. He said it. It's what he's been thinking. It's something he's been thinking about for a while now, ever since he spoke to John about love and his ex wife.]
I think waiting until you are entirely comfortable and entirely certain IS giving him so much more than that. He would not want someone else rushing or pressuring the man he loves into something, he would not want you doing it either.
[Yeah. That doesn't surprise her, but it does make her more solemn, and her next response comes more slowly and more carefully considered.] I have thought the same thing myself before, and let it put distance between me and people. But ultimately, I think...
Do you think he is a good judge of character, intelligent, reasonable, capable of making his own informed decisions about what he does and doesn't want and can and cannot handle?
...That's. Actually a really good way to look at it. He knows I care. He knows I think he's the most important person- he said that's why he said it, because of how I felt. So- I guess you're right.
[He listens, thinking it over. He doesn't want to put distance between himself and people anymore. He used to do that for a long time as well. ]
He's all of those things, yeah. Of course. Probably even a hell of lot more than I am.
Love might make people a bit more foolish, but I don't believe it actually makes them stupid.
So, then, I think the risk that you or I have to take is trusting people when they decide they want to take the risk on us, even if we don't agree. Of course putting it in simpler terms does not actually make it easier, but... it's his choice. He has weighed up all he knows about you, and he has decided it is worth the risk. You, or I in your shoes, do not have to agree, or love him back yet, or even stay forever if it turns out not to serve either of you. You just have to trust him to make the decision.
I dunno about that. Made me pretty stupid every once in a while.
[He huffs a soft laugh. But that's not here or now. Here and now- he has something he actually wants.]
Trust him to make that decision... okay. That's... an incredibly helpful way to look at it. I want it to be his choice. And it is- even if I don't fully agree with it.
[Look, he's gonna have heart eyes right now- in a totally no hetero way.]
You're amazing. And yeah.... we've had a lot worse problems, but I'm trying not to think of it that way. I don't want to drag all of that into this. I just want- a normal thing. That's ok too, right?
Of course that's okay. You're right. It's better not to drag all of that in. I really just meant that I'm glad to help work out a mental tangle like this, rather than... other things. It's nice.
[She opens her mouth, and then closes it again, and sighs.] I want to say that I am okay, and I do not think it would be a lie, but not the whole story. There's, you know, the usual stuff. And then there's the occasional crushing fear that whenever this ends, if this ends, whatever strings we have formed will not actually be strong enough to keep us together. But mostly I am doing alright.
[ He nods, because he gets it. That same fear rattles around in his head every day, but- ]
We've been through a lot together. Not just... professionally, but personally. I think we've all tried really damn hard. Hard enough to know we don't wanna give up on any of this. On each other.
And... when I think about that fear- because believe me, I have it too, especially when I think about what Sam and I used to have- I realize how different it is. How important. I can't speak for the rest of our team, but I know how it is for me, and I'm almost certain they feel the same.
[She would never have been able to say it, if she didn't know he would get it. Getting some sort of pacifying, forced positivity reassurance would be worse, in certain ways, but she could count on Bucky not to try something like that.
And those facts combined meant that the reassurance he did offer now, she believed. His almost certain was quite a statement.]
[ Bucky knows that pacifying is the worst thing someone can hear- and he's never been one for forced anything, let alone positivity. He really means what he says here. ]
It does, yeah. It was rough at first, it really was- but you really think that even without the Avengers name hanging over our head, any of us would just walk outta here?
No. No, I don't think any of us would just walk out of here, I don't - well, Alexei is attached to the name, but not more than the team. I don't think the rest of us are really that attached to it.
But. [She struggles for a minute, with how to phrase this.] If someone tried to divide us and not just take away the name, if something horrible enough happened during that - I don't know. It is just hard to believe we could really get to keep this even as long as we have. It's better than we started this, but it just lingers, that fear.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I know you care about both of us a lot. So does he. It's okay if it's not the right time for you to say it, even if it was for him. He's with you because you're you, so if you need to take time for things, it's not going to be a problem.
And if it is, I will kick his ass. But I really do think he is a patient man, so I think you can just tell him that you need things to go a bit slower. More time to adjust. And if you would like me sitting on the sidewalk out front for as needed moral support, or on the phone on mute and silent, while you do it, I will be there. And if you would like me to check on him separately, I can do that too.
It's okay. You don't need to rush yourself on this.
no subject
[He smiles a little at Yelena, grateful that he can talk to her like this. And that she's got his back. But there's the other thing in the back of his head, always.]
What if being with me ruins his life?
[There. He said it. It's what he's been thinking. It's something he's been thinking about for a while now, ever since he spoke to John about love and his ex wife.]
no subject
[Yeah. That doesn't surprise her, but it does make her more solemn, and her next response comes more slowly and more carefully considered.] I have thought the same thing myself before, and let it put distance between me and people. But ultimately, I think...
Do you think he is a good judge of character, intelligent, reasonable, capable of making his own informed decisions about what he does and doesn't want and can and cannot handle?
no subject
[He listens, thinking it over. He doesn't want to put distance between himself and people anymore. He used to do that for a long time as well. ]
He's all of those things, yeah. Of course. Probably even a hell of lot more than I am.
no subject
And you trust him?
no subject
I do trust him.
no subject
So, then, I think the risk that you or I have to take is trusting people when they decide they want to take the risk on us, even if we don't agree. Of course putting it in simpler terms does not actually make it easier, but... it's his choice. He has weighed up all he knows about you, and he has decided it is worth the risk. You, or I in your shoes, do not have to agree, or love him back yet, or even stay forever if it turns out not to serve either of you. You just have to trust him to make the decision.
no subject
[He huffs a soft laugh. But that's not here or now. Here and now- he has something he actually wants.]
Trust him to make that decision... okay. That's... an incredibly helpful way to look at it. I want it to be his choice. And it is- even if I don't fully agree with it.
no subject
It's the only way I can convince myself I should not go live in a cave for the rest of my life, on the bad days.
no subject
[But it's okay, he gets it.]
I think you're right about a lot of it, though. Like in a way I don't think I would've gotten to on my own. I think maybe I can stop freaking out now.
no subject
I'm glad to be able to help. And I'm glad, you know - stressful and heavy as it is, we have had worse problems, yes?
no subject
[Look, he's gonna have heart eyes right now- in a totally no hetero way.]
You're amazing. And yeah.... we've had a lot worse problems, but I'm trying not to think of it that way. I don't want to drag all of that into this. I just want- a normal thing. That's ok too, right?
no subject
no subject
Thank you. I really appreciate you helping me out with this stuff.
no subject
no subject
You doing alright?
no subject
[She opens her mouth, and then closes it again, and sighs.] I want to say that I am okay, and I do not think it would be a lie, but not the whole story. There's, you know, the usual stuff. And then there's the occasional crushing fear that whenever this ends, if this ends, whatever strings we have formed will not actually be strong enough to keep us together. But mostly I am doing alright.
no subject
We've been through a lot together. Not just... professionally, but personally. I think we've all tried really damn hard. Hard enough to know we don't wanna give up on any of this. On each other.
And... when I think about that fear- because believe me, I have it too, especially when I think about what Sam and I used to have- I realize how different it is. How important. I can't speak for the rest of our team, but I know how it is for me, and I'm almost certain they feel the same.
no subject
And those facts combined meant that the reassurance he did offer now, she believed. His almost certain was quite a statement.]
Really? It feels different to you?
no subject
It does, yeah. It was rough at first, it really was- but you really think that even without the Avengers name hanging over our head, any of us would just walk outta here?
no subject
But. [She struggles for a minute, with how to phrase this.] If someone tried to divide us and not just take away the name, if something horrible enough happened during that - I don't know. It is just hard to believe we could really get to keep this even as long as we have. It's better than we started this, but it just lingers, that fear.